walking programme present

I have been preparing for this day for the last week . Just left my room ,and walked up to the reception desk . This is roughly fifty paces there , and back fifty paces . This is to be part of my three month programme. My goals I have set myself is to reach the lift , and travel down the two floors to enable me to reach the front door of the building. This will give me access to the garden , and the means to get into a car . My intention is to do this without the aid of medication or other stimulates. Even though I previously suffered from agoraphobia , and anxiety panic attacks .Had recovered sufficiently to be leading what was a better quality of life . But then in November 2024 whilst in hospital received a major setback . This was due lack of knowledge on the part of medical staff that attended to me whilst suffering a major panic attack. It is now feel strong enough to start getting myself back to what I hope will be not only a better quality of life . But also a greater understanding of the illness . At a later date will share the work I have previously done on the subject ,but for today my fifty paces feels good.

Day 8

Today managed to walk 80 paces which got me past the reception area , and over halfway to the lift. Today experiencing more anxiety so retraced my steps to enable myself more time to feel comfortable. If this is going to work I will need to build up more memories of achieving walks without anxiety . To enable this to happen I need to become more aware of the process of understanding how the Dysfunction of the Autonomic Nervous system works . And how it is possible to replace an old learnt message .with a new learnt message. Do not believe this alone will  work , but by adopting other helpful situations . Believe it will be possible to demonstrate a holistic approach  . By doing this to achieve at least a better quality of life. Tomorrow think I might start my walk with some gentle exercise .

Day 9

Today  retraced my steps from yesterday . Was aware of a new feeling I can only describe as wanting to go further . Found myself instead of being on edge in case the anxiety came. Found I was becoming curious as to what is round the corner. Found what appeared a small tearoom . Rapidly retreated , but made promise to myself would visit there again once I felt more comfortable. Took another ten steps to get closer to the lift . Have begun to see the lift as what will be my first steps to freedom. What amazes me is now I have started a daily process that not only am I getting in touch with emotions such as being curious . But also am starting to feel a difference in my legs . For the first time in a long while my legs started to feel real as they used to . Not weak ,but starting to feel strong . Must remember it will take awhile to strengthen my legs after such a long time of very little exercise .

Day 10

Extended the amount of paces by ten in each direction .Found the feelings in my legs started to feel more real . For such a long time parts of my legs felt numb , and various kinds of pain . But the last two nights have noticed a change it even feels okay to sit . I was aware that I have started to notice things while walking . More found there was a a lack of anxiety ,and more a sense of being impatient . Needing to walk further do more , but feel dont want to overreach myself . Until feeling stronger . At the moment am still walking with a walking stick , but not having to carry my bag with support items . Such as walkman /strong menthol sweets / bottle of water ect. 

Day 11

Today seems strange as while I.m walking finding myself thinking of other things . For sometime now it has been in my mind to write . Not as am writing this minute , but story writing it was something that I never took serious , but used to enjoy . Anyway whilst walking at the start my legs were aching , but the more I walked my legs felt better . Also found another problem have found whilst I am walking if anyone speaks ,or says hello the anxiety returns . As I mumble in reply , and try to rush by. Rather than appear rude need to find a alternative way to react. Maybe handwave , or hold my nose as though about to sneeze. It is easy to write that here , but not so easy when trying to walk. Maybe I could tell the person in reception then others wont think me rude if I don't answer. Due to interruptions was not able to extend my walk today.

Day 12

Today has seen a change two therapists came , and offered to walk with me as I normally .do. So I took their offer of help ,and followed my usual routine . But with them along was able to extend the amount of walking . Even managed to get to the lift . With their help managed to overcome the experience of a number of times of anxiety . But as they were with me was able to talk through each situation. Found as they were alongside me they were very encouraging. Look forward to see how I react tomorrow.

Day 13

Yesterday think I went past my limit in more ways than one. Today finding it hard to walk as my legs aching so much . Due to all the walking yesterday . Anyway today not counting the steps I'm making . Just trying to feel comfortable. Spent some time looking out of window suddenly realised there is a nice view . Learning to see things in a better way . Rather thinking about possible anxiety panic attacks started looking at a very nice view. Also managed to walk to the lift . This is still part of my escape plane. Not running in panic , but a genuine escape . Which will lead to being able go outside. Hope can make it by springtime will be nice to things coming back to life.

Day 14

This feels a bit strange . Having to look at more than one thing when trying to extend the area I am walking . Not only checking to see how my legs are progressing strength wise ,but also dealing with memories,and emotions. While I am walking started to remember certain things. There was a time before I started suffering from agoraphobia and anxiety panic attacks. That I used to enjoy walking in the countryside anything between one mile , and five miles felt good . Remembering that seems a bit strange now measuring my walking distance in eighty paces rather than miles. Today hope try and walk twice to see if I  can extend the distance . Also will try to spend some more time looking out of the window . Sometimes this all becomes hard especially when remembering all you have lost . But rather than be down it's better to think of the freedom to come. Will use my second walk to reach the lift first step to my freedom.

Day 15

Spent today doing my best to get strength into my legs . Started first walk things were about the same . Waited for an hour before doing the walk a second time , and then after a while a third time. Not sure what is happening to me emotionally, but during the day starting to realise how lonely I am. Have been lonely for such along time , and have been able to cover it up I suppose because of the illness. Could it be possible starting to get in touch with my feelings as I am focusing on exercise , and walking. In the next few days plan to put myself outside what has become my comfort zone . Will have to give it some thought on what to do. Would be good to reach , and get into the lift. In preparation for getting down stairs.

Day16

Today have felt some changes taking place .Like starting think a little more clearer about ordinary things. Many years ago used to like making things. Started to wonder if I could again. Only walked outside room twice today each time was okay , but did not feel like walking to far. Tomorrow intend to increase my walking in preparation for Thursday . Have someone coming to help get into the lift , and get down to the ground floor . Not sure yet might have to take some medication to enable me to do it . Will wait and see how I feel on the day. Am finding it is possible to start looking forward to walking outside room. Hope the weather is fine on Thursday ,but then if it is raining would good to feel the rain again.

Day 17

It feels strange today , or should I say I feel strange . Today  is the birthday of the girl who played such a large part in my life.  Her , and her brothers became like my family . The children I never had . Them , and their Mother were going through a bad time when I met them . After I became ill with agoraphobia I ended up being trapped in my bedroom for two years. The only one that came to see me was the girl . The Mother thought I didn't want to know them . No one told her of my predicament. After two years I was well enough to leave my bedroom.  It so happened someone connected to my family brought the youngest of the boys to see me. When he saw me he started kicking , and punching me . I had to stop him , and said why are you doing this . He answered "thats because you havent seen me for two years". I tried to explain to him that I had been ill . What seems to be happening to me today as a result of what I have been doing . I seem to have freed up part of my mind. For such a long time I have been shutting away the anger that appears to have come from the hurt . What I need to do is figure how to deal with the hurt , and the anger.